Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Funny Quotes
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did,
in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one."
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
funny quotes, Noelie Altito.
"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
funny quotes, Ken Dodd.
"One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool"
funny quotes, Edgar Watson Howe.
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
funny quotes, Unknown.
"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
funny quotes, Paul Getty.
in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one."
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
funny quotes, Noelie Altito.
"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
funny quotes, Ken Dodd.
"One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool"
funny quotes, Edgar Watson Howe.
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
funny quotes, Unknown.
"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
funny quotes, Paul Getty.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Nasty Bug
Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "
" What can I do? " he pleaded.
" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."
The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "
" What can I do? " he pleaded.
" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Bar Story
This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.
However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"
However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself,and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"
Funny Quotes
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed."
funny quotes, Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important."
funny quotes, Lisa Hoffman.
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
funny quotes, Anonymous.
"A rich man's joke is always funny."
funny quotes, Proverb.
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
funny quotes, Winston Churchill.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
funny quotes, Oscar Wilde.
"There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."
funny quotes, Franklin.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times."
funny quotes, Mark Twain.
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
funny quotes, David Friedman.
"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic."
funny quotes, Unknown.
funny quotes, Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important."
funny quotes, Lisa Hoffman.
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
funny quotes, Anonymous.
"A rich man's joke is always funny."
funny quotes, Proverb.
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
funny quotes, Winston Churchill.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
funny quotes, Oscar Wilde.
"There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."
funny quotes, Franklin.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times."
funny quotes, Mark Twain.
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
funny quotes, David Friedman.
"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic."
funny quotes, Unknown.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
First Job
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."
Funny Quotes
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
funny quotes by, Yogi Berra
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" funny quotes by, Yogi Berra
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
funny quotes by, Bill Cosby
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
funny quotes by, Albert Einstein
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
funny quotes, Anonymous.
"Half of the people in the world are below average."
funny quotes, Anonymous.
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!"
funny quotes, Yogi Berra.
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"
funny quotes, Calvin.
"Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" Hobbes.
funny quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield
funny quotes by, Yogi Berra
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" funny quotes by, Yogi Berra
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
funny quotes by, Bill Cosby
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
funny quotes by, Albert Einstein
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
funny quotes, Anonymous.
"Half of the people in the world are below average."
funny quotes, Anonymous.
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!"
funny quotes, Yogi Berra.
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"
funny quotes, Calvin.
"Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" Hobbes.
funny quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
